Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.

No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!

Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.

ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying

WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?

ME: first of all, he says you’re rude

*me in the shower*

My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.

Me: WHAT!

The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.

My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”

Me: “Poverty.”

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo

Him: I think we should see other people

Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card

Big Sex has us all fooled

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

[God creating bees]

GOD: make some of them fuzzy

ANGEL: thats good

G: make them sting

A: okay

G: and let’s give them teeth!

A: too far

bigfoot

the abominable snowman

chupacabras

the loch ness monster

a unicorn

mermaids

restful sleep

dragons

a super walmart

werewolves

happiness

cyclops

a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus

No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.