You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
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Yes, but it was never about money
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
so i’m at the stock market right
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.