@pharmasean

You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine

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@WilliamAder

Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.

@brendohare

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

@figgled

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

@Phook75

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who reply to a text message with a phone call

@NoticablyBacon

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

@KateWhineHall

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

@JJSummertime

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

@TheCatWhisprer

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.