Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
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Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who reply to a text message with a phone call
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.