You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
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Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Netflix: We have Less
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”