You can lead a teenager to the dishwasher, but you can’t make him load it.

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(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”



Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.


[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea


Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.


Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.


I slept under the Christmas tree once when I was 9 waiting for Santa. And once when I was 37 waiting for the room to stop spinning.


You know when somebody shows you photos of their new baby and you lie and say they look beautiful?

That’s what people do with your selfies.


Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*


6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken



Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …