*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
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The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2