@Fickle_Filly

You can lead a teenager to the dishwasher, but you can’t make him load it.

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@joe_binkley

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

@ShesAllNat

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

@ThugRaccoons

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

@gorrdano

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

@LostInMyWorld97

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

@desolateson

I slept under the Christmas tree once when I was 9 waiting for Santa. And once when I was 37 waiting for the room to stop spinning.

@Token_Geezer

You know when somebody shows you photos of their new baby and you lie and say they look beautiful?

That’s what people do with your selfies.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*

@LizerReal

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

@BrainFumbles

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …