Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

“You’d probably be more comfortable if you took more clothes off” is one of the dumbest lines that actually works on me

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

Yes I do enjoy a morning donut and an afternoon donut why do you ask?

wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?

My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts

I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”