You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
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I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting a hug for Christmas.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”