You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
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NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
X-tra spooky blend
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
where the womens at?
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.