You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
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“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
How times have changed.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.