Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

*picks up frog*

*kisses it*

Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?

Me: oh thank god.

the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire

Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.

The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?

kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?

mom: i ate it

kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that

mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you

kid: oh god no i-

mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand

You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams

smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.

No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?

No one told me my life would become so much googling it

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

Kids teach you so many life lessons.

Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge

Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?