You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
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cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
A male goth is called a broth.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda