Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends

Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building

Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.

If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are

cellmate: i wish

My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.

…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner

Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times

Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.