You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
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My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Breaking news:
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs