You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
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Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her