You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
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grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”