You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
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Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
…żyje?
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
How to find Kentucky on a map
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Ah..makes sense now
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.