Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?

I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body

receptionist:

me: and they’re unhealthy

I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.

Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.

Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?

A Mootation

Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.