You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
You Might Also Like
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married