Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like

Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.

I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.

#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.

Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years

New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”

me: *finally catching up financially*

the brakes on my car: hehe

I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.

I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.

Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!

I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*