You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
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Please know that my definition of “busy” varies widely. I could be doing my taxes, but I could also be watching a random YouTuber make something called “hobo biscuits” out of three ingredients over an open fire next to an abandoned railroad track.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon