You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
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Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
A new level of troll.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar