You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
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4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
can you read it!!??
maan!
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.