You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

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welcome back to guitar 101 everybody. what now, steve?

uh, hey. are you gonna make the ‘snapped my g-string’ joke?


*steve leaves*


Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.


My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”


[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come


Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now


“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist


haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho


Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.


“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.