You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
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According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Terribly Tuesday.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”