Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa

Cereal. Check.

Milk. Check.

Bread. Check.

Fruit. Check.

Salad. Check.

Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

ㅤ

To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food

Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.

The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family

Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?

I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.

One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.

I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services

Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem

What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

son: is this microwave friendly?

me: [patting microwave] yes he is

Should I call tech support or pray or what

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.