Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

The best plant holders?

you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

Okay so I need to find and purchase this book

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.

idk what this dog had been going through but same

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks

drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.

It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.