You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
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*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Where’s my employee discount too?
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.