you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
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My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic