Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine learning algorithm: yes.

Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.

When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.

[first day as a flight attendant]

Pilot: tell them we’re descending

Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN

Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic

Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER

OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.

OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.

Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*

Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?

Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

Her: What do you look for in a relationship?

Me: A way out.

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blo…

Nope, just peed the bed again

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.

*puts my hair in a ponytail

IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

Here’s a meme

ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now