Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How animals would run if they were human

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage

Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

wife: what’s bothering you, hun?

attila: the romans

My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”

Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”

My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever

cop: do you know why your neighbors called us

me: *into megaphone* NO

Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!

-Amish drive by

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”

-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport

I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.

I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.