You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
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I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*