You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
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A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Icarus loved hot wings.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
every olympics i turn into this guy
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
he was correct
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it