Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.

I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder

we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi

“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”

– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores

HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex

ME: we learned a lot though

HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”

Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”

putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*

I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…

the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam

Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!

Me: Pretty good, yours?

Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?

Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”

– the Pixar Logo

I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.

Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.

How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.

Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito