Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s

Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.

the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me

[Shopping for Deodorant]

I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!

Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.

Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”

My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.

Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.

“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”

“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

What is a magic bullet?

A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy

“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.