Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.

My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.

Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.

nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system

Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss

Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving

Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello

To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running

When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017

*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.

I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.