Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”

Me: “It’s a secret.”

Job interviewer: “You got the job.”

Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.

can’t talk my ride’s here

chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord

me: I just want some nuggets man

cfa employee: I Would Die For You

[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles

I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate

Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand

H: I can’t eat chocolate

Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*

If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident

philosophy professor: you must question everything

[later]

me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.

Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends