You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing
You Might Also Like
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.