Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.

Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀

My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

alfred: you have emphysema

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman: oh

alfred:

batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.

You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.

Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical

i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it

Unhappy with work? Have a child.

Now you love work.

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that