Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct

Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible

Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-

-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:

-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip

3yo: play it again!

Me: I can’t, baby

*3yo throws epic fit*

Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.

Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.

Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

Ketchup isn’t food.

-words to ruin a toddlers day

BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.

Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.