You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
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You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
3% human
97% stress
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while