You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
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“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.