You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
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*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.