Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol

[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”

“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”

I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!

Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press

Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.

i like to flex on them by shrugging

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”

sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.

Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.

The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password

*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

Toddler: Because someone took my sock

Me: No one took your sock!

Toddler: Then where is it?!

Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity