You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
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Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t