You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
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A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer