You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
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They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.