You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
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Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy