Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.

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Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

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The Chosen Phew

Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

Me: *opening trunk*

Tied up Guy: ope

Me: omg this isn’t my car

Tied up Guy:

Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing

Tied up Guy: happens to everyone

Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry

How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?

We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.