Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]

Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.

[many decades later]

Me: Oh no.

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.

911: what room is the body in

me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird

Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!

Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

Everyone is getting idioter.

*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.

Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it

can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.

I love the smell of relapse in the morning