You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
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My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.