You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
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#Caturday
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?