you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
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My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”