Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.

You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.

Tried to steal some candy from a baby.

I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me

They lied about how easy that was.

Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”

-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.