You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
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There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Oh we’ve met.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.