You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
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Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
I miss this era type of pranks😭
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…