Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?

Me: Bat cheese?

4: Yes

Me: Bat. Cheese?

4: Yes. Bat cheese.

Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?

4: For my car

Me:

4:

Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!

4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.

Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.

Them: your child is skipping a nap today.

Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

i finally quit drinking for good

now i drink for evil

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

Eleven out of ten people are stupid.

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.

Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

Cndnsd Mlk

“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”

ME: No, you’re still grounded

“No fair!”

ME: Yes, that’s what I said