You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
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I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”