You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
You Might Also Like
wow
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Is this you?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”