Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is my brand.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while

I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.

People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:

“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“

*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*

My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.

My nephew: Ok i’ll try.

When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.

When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.

*stands on scale at doctor’s office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

The 70’s called. They built a time phone.

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

Therapist: You’re not really improving

Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?

Therapist:

Me:

Therapist: well it’s worth a try

Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!

2020: Nope.

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely