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What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
consequences, the bane of my existence
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.