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My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
those birds must be on payroll
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it