You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
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Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL