You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
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ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.