you can only post this today
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Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
People buying plungers never look happy.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
When you’re here for the treats.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.