you can only post this today
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My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Does this dress make me look cat?
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
😎 🍻
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.