Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.

HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.

me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom

my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

Me: How old am I?

Brain: Give me a minute.

Me: What’s my email password?

Brain: I don’t remember.

Me: Why’d I walk in this room?

Brain: I have no idea.

Me:

Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.

Her : I like you

Me : You’re mistaken

❤️❤️❤️

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

(flirting with the waitress) so how hot does the oven have to be to melt the tuna?

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.

Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.

You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*