You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
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I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.