You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
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breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.