Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

Hilarious if literal: arms race

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine

The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear

I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass

Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?

Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you

Scientist: too late

is there nothing we can trust anymore

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.